Every year, without fail, we are subjected to the same Christmas songs, by songs I mean the ones on the radio and piped in shops and not the ones sung in churches - carols. Although I’ve never met anyone called Carol who is worthy of having a whole musical vernacular named after them.
You cannot escape the wonderful tunes by ‘Slade’ and Cliff Richard, and everybody must listen to at least three Christmas songs per day, between the third week of November and Christmas Day - as it is the law.
Anyone caught trying to avoid listening to their quota will have to listen to Noddy Holder’s announcement of “IT’S CHRIIIIISTMAAAAS” via cochlear implants for the following 10 years - it’s true.
Also, in the name of research I am having to actually listen to some of these songs, on actual YouTube, to actually discover their proper names.
There will also be a score awarded from 0-10 on my ability to tolerate even the opening bars of each entry.
Merry Xmas (War is over) - John Lennon & Yoko Ono - 1971
This one really grates on me, well, they all do but this one I really cannot stand.
Sung by the Beatle that got shot and that woman who found fame in later life, by hauling herself out of the well on ‘The Ring’ trilogy.
Notable lyrics: This one contains the most pointless lyric “war is over if you want it”.
Anyone for more war? Any takers?
And also a backing singer who takes bad karaoke to a new level. I’d like to go back in time and make sure her car had a flat tyre on the way to the studio.
Wonderful Christmastime - Paul McCartney -1979
What is it with former members of The Beatles and Christmas songs? The music video is filmed inside a pub, so all expenses spared, but if I were having to listen to this song repeatedly whilst it was filmed then I’d drink.
Notable lyrics: “A choir of children sing their song, they’ve practiced all year long, ding dong, ding dong, ding - wooo-oooo”
Really? They practiced all year long for that? And the woooo-oooo? Do they think it’s still Hallowe’en?
I’m also taking off a point because of Paul McCartney, nothing specific, just him.
Step Into Christmas - Elton John - 1973
Okay, not my favourite artist. But also not my least.
This song was released in NOVEMBER 1973. November. That month when Christmas is not celebrated. Why not release it in July?
Notable lyrics: “Step into Christmas the admission’s free”
Average cost of Christmas per family is approximately £800.
Also, has anyone ever been charged for attending Christmas? Or paid a surplus for being alive in the last fortnight of December?
I am giving Elton 2 extra points. 1 because my Mum loves him and an extra 1 as he’s not Paul McCartney.
Mistletoe and Wine - Cliff Richard - 1988
Finally, a Christmas song that was released in my lifetime.
And this is still not a good thing.
My recollection of this song was the inability to escape its evil clutches.
It. Was. Everywhere. Had it been released earlier in the year they would have played it at the Seoul Olympics instead of the National Anthem (at least everyone would know the words!) Looking back at this song, in the current #metoo #nometoo #wheresthebandwagon climate, mistletoe and stealing kisses and wine and getting people tipsy probably dooms this one to an early tinsel strewn grave.
Notable lyrics: “children singing Christian rhymes” Not these days pal, it would be ‘Baby Shark’ until your ears bled.
I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday - Wizzard - 1973 &
Merry Xmas Everybody - Slade - 1973
And we’re back to the ‘70’s again.
These songs were made out of loud noise and hangovers, I would pay money to never hear either song again.
Notable lyrics: “Iiiiiiittt’ssss Chrrrrriiiiiisssstmaaaas!!!”
Score -10/10 (-5 each)
Not Christmas Songs
Much like the debate as to whether ‘Die Hard’ is a Christmas movie or not (it’s not) there are quite a few songs which get relentlessly thrown at our ears over Christmas, which really have nothing to do with it -
Stay Another Day - E17 & Something Stupid - Robbie Williams and Nicole Kidman - neither is a Christmas focused offering, they were both in the charts at that time of year so are a default offering, much like It’s Cold Outside.
The Power Of Love - Frankie Goes To Hollywood - has a Christmassy video, but lyrically offers no relevance. If Smack My Bitch Up had a video involving Christmas Pudding, by default that would be added in to the annual rotation, surely?
But then you never hear Killing In The Name by Rage Against The Machine played as you meander around Tesco. Which is both unsurprising and a shame.
Happy Holidays x